Think loneliness is about single people looking for love? Think again

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disconnection, loneliness, lonely, Marriage

Think loneliness is about single people looking for love? Think again

It’s hard to feel alone inside a long and happy marriage. But it’s easier than it looks, perhaps, to feel lonely. Last week, Italian police officers responding to reports of screaming and crying inside an apartment in Rome found something unexpected behind the door. Jole and Michele were a devoted elderly couple who had ostensibly got themselves worked up over a sad story on the TV news, but some gentle questioning elicited the fact that both were struggling with terrible loneliness. After 70 years of apparently loving marriage they still had each other, and yet that clearly was not enough.

This being Italy, the officers rather charmingly cooked them a meal of spaghetti with butter and parmesan and stayed to chat, before doing the washing up and posting a flowery account on Facebook of how loneliness can suddenly sweep over you “like a summer storm”. The story went viral because it’s so heartwarming, and yet on second reading it’s also rather unsettling. The lonely are not quite the people we think they are.

It will be 20 years ago this summer that the first Bridget Jones novel was published, a timely reminder to ignore the spectacularly awful sequels and remember just how neatly the original skewered some of the myths about lonely singleton life.

Bridget was famously terrified of dying alone and forgotten, but ironically the one thing she wasn’t was lonely: she was riotously surrounded by friends and family, even if they did all keep harping on about her getting a proper boyfriend. It’s smug marrieds who can all too easily collapse in on themselves, severing old friendships they will come to regret in the process. (Anyone who thinks that having a baby means you’ll never feel alone again, meanwhile, has yet to find out how it feels to be home with a howling infant, desperately trying to engage the postman in conversation because he’s the only sentient adult you’ll see for hours.)

It’s all too easy to become consumed by family life and then wake up in middle age, ostensibly at the centre of a rich and busy life, struggling to remember your last meaningful conversation. That feeling may not be loneliness yet, but it’s a first step on the road.

For while the cavernously empty feeling endured by the bereaved or unwillingly single can indeed be a terrible thing, and life-shortening to boot, it’s not the only kind of loneliness. A recent University of California study found that while almost half of its elderly subjects confessed to feeling lonely at times, only 18% of them actually lived alone.

Unhappy marriages, atrophying into long silences and separate lives, might have something to do with that, but the story of Jole and Michele suggests something else: a distinct kind of loneliness stemming not from the absence of significant others but from a feeling of disconnection with the wider world, a sense that you’re no longer part of something shared and human. Is it just a coincidence that the Italian couple’s crisis seems to have been provoked by a run of news stories – violent attacks, abuse at a kindergarten – revealing human nature at its coldest?

Fleeting loneliness comes to all of us occasionally, but it solidifies into something deeper and darker for those who start to perceive the world as a harsh and hostile place, one that wouldn’t welcome efforts to connect even if you try. It’s that nagging feeling of rejection, of not belonging or standing somehow apart from others, that is the true hallmark of feeling lonely in a crowd, and it’s by no means the preserve of the old.

Interestingly, a recent Brunel University study of over-50s found more than half of those identifying themselves as lonely had been that way for over 10 years, suggesting the feeling had become part of the fabric of their lives. (The same study, by the way, found levels of loneliness had barely changed since the second world war; so much for the idea of a modern epidemic, caused by fragmenting and hectic modern family lives.)

So perhaps it’s not so surprising that this week’s obituaries of the fabulously wealthy Duke of Westminster, a father of four, should describe him as “lonely”. Immense wealth can of course be isolating – although the money clearly didn’t make the duke unhappy enough to get rid of it, or indeed to eschew the family tradition of minimising inheritance tax liabilities – but in Gerald Grosvenor’s case something else seems to be going on. What emerges is a picture of a man struggling all his life with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, worried that he had done nothing to live up to the reputation of those ancestors who built his unearned fortune. Bullied at school, he reportedly left Harrow without one proper friend.

And if you can’t bring yourself to feel sorry for a billionaire, the blunt truth is that not all lonely people are lovable old grannies who tug at your heartstrings. An unhappy few have pushed others away with their self-destructive behaviour and are now paying a high price for it; some have struggled bitterly all their lives with the art of making friends, never quite mastering social norms. How much of the late-night bile spewed on social media simply reflects the envy and frustration of those who see other people happily connecting all around them and just don’t quite know how to join in? Loneliness has its dark side, one not so easily solved by more visits from the grandchildren or well-meaning volunteer “befrienders” popping in for chats over coffee.

For Jole and Michele, at least, perhaps there will be a happy ending. Now their story has been made public, perhaps surviving relatives or old friends will rally round, and if nothing else the knowledge that strangers worldwide are now asking how they can send letters or visit must do something to restore their faith in human nature.

Yet while a little kindness goes a very long way, it’s too easy to pretend loneliness can all be solved by a few more companionable plates of spaghetti. It makes for a less heartwarming story but the truth is that, like the poor, the lonely may to some degree always be with us – even, perhaps, when they’re ostensibly with someone else.

Judge slams ‘Hello magazine approach’ to marriage

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Divorce, Marriage

Judge slams ‘Hello magazine approach’ to marriage

A High Court judge has hit out at the “Hello magazine approach” to marriage which he said has led to a dramatic increase in divorce and family breakdown.

Sir Paul Coleridge, who sits in the Family Division, said he felt compelled to speak out because of the unprecedented scale of the problem.

He is now taking the unusual step for a serving judge to launch the Marriage Foundation to make the case that stable, long-term marriages are best for individuals, for families and for society.

He told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme: “There comes a time when sometimes you have to speak out in circumstances where you feel you know more than anybody involved in the debate.

“I happen to think that the family judiciary have a contribution to make to this debate. Most of us have watched as the situation has gradually got more and more and more appalling and out of control and there comes a time when it is, I think, irresponsible to remain quiet.

“In terms of the impact that family breakdown is having on society, nobody – and I emphasise that – nobody has the experience that the family judiciary have.

“If we remain quiet, it is like doctors who see epidemics going through their surgeries and say ‘We can’t make a comment on that because it might be said to be commenting on the way people are living’.

“This is now happening across Britain – and indeed Europe and North America – on a scale we have never seen before and the impact it has on the whole of society is very, very real and dramatic and we need to highlight it and do something about it.”

Sir Paul insisted that he was not mounting a moral campaign but simply wanted to set out the facts in a “non-preachy, non-didactic way”.

He said that celebrity magazines such as Hello promote unrealistic expectations about marriage and people need to understand the importance of working at relationships to make them work.

“I normally find the people who are in there (Hello) are in my court within about a year or two,” he said.

“What I criticise – what I call the Hello magazine, Hollywood approach to this whole business – is that there is still, or maybe more than there was, a completely unrealistic expectation about long-term relationships and marriage in particular, that if you find the right ideal partner that’s all that matters and things will just carry on from there on and you will be divinely happy.

“We all know, all of us who have been in relationships – whether married or unmarried – for a long time is that the only way that they are made to work and the only way that they become really qualitatively good is by absolutely grinding away at it.

“That’s when people find that, actually, if they get through the difficulties and do get the help, they will in fact end up with a product that is really worth having.”

Why can’t we stay married?

Tags

age, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Postnatal Depression

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/why-cant-we-stay-married-7657610.html

It could be described as a depressing portrait of a modern relationship: a career-driven couple meet later in life, have a whirlwind romance and settle down quickly to have children. Then things start to go wrong.

This is the picture painted by research carried out by the parenting website Netmums, which found that modern relationships are most likely to break down after just three years due to the stresses of late parenthood.

Relationship specialists immediately pointed to a growing trend for “fast forward” partnerships as couples leave it later in life to get together – but spend less time getting to know each other before moving in together and having children. One in 20 couples polled admitted they were expecting a baby within three months of getting together and 15 per cent within a year.

Consequently, the study of 1,500 people found that couples are now four and a half times more likely to split up after three years – earlier than the “seven year itch” traditionally cited as the danger point in a relationship. More than 20 per cent of couples who split saw their relationship fall apart between two and four years, while only 3 per cent broke up seven years in.

The latest figures from the Office of National Statistics show that women now delay having children until they are nearly 30. The average age of women giving birth in England and Wales is now a year older than it was a decade ago (29.5 in 2010 compared with 28.5 in 2000).

The figures also suggest an increase in the number of parents who are living together, as the number of those who are married or in civil partnerships continues to fall. The proportion of births to couples who are married or in civil partnerships was 53 per cent in 2010, compared with 61 per cent in 2000, and 88 per cent in 1980.

But births registered by parents who appeared to be cohabiting – by jointly registering the baby and giving the same address – has risen, reaching 31 per cent of all births in 2010, compared with 25 per cent in 2000.

Penny Mansfield, director of One Plus One, the relationships charity, said: “This poll supports what we know of the changing social patterns that we see all around us. People are not marrying in the numbers that they did but they are forming partnerships and having children.

“People may have a series of relationships and then get to a certain age and then think: ‘Oh we should have children’ without necessarily having made more of a commitment. When you get this more informal approach to relationships – particularly when you have children – relationships are much more unstable.

“People also now have much higher expectations of relationships. So when people hit difficulties, often when they become parents, they think: “Things aren’t what they were’.”

Two out of five parents responding to the poll reported that they were so short of time and money that they could only go out as a couple “two or three” times a year. Fifteen per cent said they “never” went out as a couple anymore, while 14 per cent only had a single night a year together. Only one in 100 parents now spends quality time together a few nights a week.

Leila Collins, a counselling psychologist and lecturer at Middesex University, said: “There’s a great deal of pressure on women to educate themselves and prepare themselves for careers. Consequently the age at which they are prepared to settle down is a bit older and they may feel the clock is ticking. Even though they are a bit older and more experienced, when it comes to choosing a partner to start a family with, they may make mistakes.

“If you are going to have children with someone you need to be absolutely sure, no matter how much the clock is ticking. It is absolutely ludicrous and childish for people to think that they can have a child with someone and move on. You cannot take these risks with other people’s lives on a whim.”

The study also found that two thirds of couples believe it is harder to maintain a relationship nowadays compare to a generation ago. Almost two in five couples said it was more difficult to maintain a relationship because women were forced to work and had less time for their partners, while 22 per cent thought couples were less committed and too quick to split. One in 10 believe couples take having children “too lightly”.

Netmums founder Siobhan Freegard said: “Relationships are tough at the best of times, but add in young children, lack of time, work and money worries and it’s little surprise couples are splitting up earlier than ever before. There is unprecedented pressure on women to be the perfect wife, mother and career woman while men are feeling more and more unsure of their role.”

Having children was shown to be the biggest problem area. Almost half (42 per cent) of people who took part in the research claimed having children made them less close – with only a third saying they became closer after kids.

Four in five people polled said their relationship suffered when they were exhausted after the birth of a new baby or looking after young children. Almost half (46 per cent) went off sex, while two in five felt less attractive after putting on weight.

More than half blamed money worries and debts for problems in their relationship, while a third suffered postnatal depression. One in 14 admitted to starting an affair, while 9 per cent said their partner wanted to become more sexually adventurous when they didn’t.