Think loneliness is about single people looking for love? Think again

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disconnection, loneliness, lonely, Marriage

Think loneliness is about single people looking for love? Think again

It’s hard to feel alone inside a long and happy marriage. But it’s easier than it looks, perhaps, to feel lonely. Last week, Italian police officers responding to reports of screaming and crying inside an apartment in Rome found something unexpected behind the door. Jole and Michele were a devoted elderly couple who had ostensibly got themselves worked up over a sad story on the TV news, but some gentle questioning elicited the fact that both were struggling with terrible loneliness. After 70 years of apparently loving marriage they still had each other, and yet that clearly was not enough.

This being Italy, the officers rather charmingly cooked them a meal of spaghetti with butter and parmesan and stayed to chat, before doing the washing up and posting a flowery account on Facebook of how loneliness can suddenly sweep over you “like a summer storm”. The story went viral because it’s so heartwarming, and yet on second reading it’s also rather unsettling. The lonely are not quite the people we think they are.

It will be 20 years ago this summer that the first Bridget Jones novel was published, a timely reminder to ignore the spectacularly awful sequels and remember just how neatly the original skewered some of the myths about lonely singleton life.

Bridget was famously terrified of dying alone and forgotten, but ironically the one thing she wasn’t was lonely: she was riotously surrounded by friends and family, even if they did all keep harping on about her getting a proper boyfriend. It’s smug marrieds who can all too easily collapse in on themselves, severing old friendships they will come to regret in the process. (Anyone who thinks that having a baby means you’ll never feel alone again, meanwhile, has yet to find out how it feels to be home with a howling infant, desperately trying to engage the postman in conversation because he’s the only sentient adult you’ll see for hours.)

It’s all too easy to become consumed by family life and then wake up in middle age, ostensibly at the centre of a rich and busy life, struggling to remember your last meaningful conversation. That feeling may not be loneliness yet, but it’s a first step on the road.

For while the cavernously empty feeling endured by the bereaved or unwillingly single can indeed be a terrible thing, and life-shortening to boot, it’s not the only kind of loneliness. A recent University of California study found that while almost half of its elderly subjects confessed to feeling lonely at times, only 18% of them actually lived alone.

Unhappy marriages, atrophying into long silences and separate lives, might have something to do with that, but the story of Jole and Michele suggests something else: a distinct kind of loneliness stemming not from the absence of significant others but from a feeling of disconnection with the wider world, a sense that you’re no longer part of something shared and human. Is it just a coincidence that the Italian couple’s crisis seems to have been provoked by a run of news stories – violent attacks, abuse at a kindergarten – revealing human nature at its coldest?

Fleeting loneliness comes to all of us occasionally, but it solidifies into something deeper and darker for those who start to perceive the world as a harsh and hostile place, one that wouldn’t welcome efforts to connect even if you try. It’s that nagging feeling of rejection, of not belonging or standing somehow apart from others, that is the true hallmark of feeling lonely in a crowd, and it’s by no means the preserve of the old.

Interestingly, a recent Brunel University study of over-50s found more than half of those identifying themselves as lonely had been that way for over 10 years, suggesting the feeling had become part of the fabric of their lives. (The same study, by the way, found levels of loneliness had barely changed since the second world war; so much for the idea of a modern epidemic, caused by fragmenting and hectic modern family lives.)

So perhaps it’s not so surprising that this week’s obituaries of the fabulously wealthy Duke of Westminster, a father of four, should describe him as “lonely”. Immense wealth can of course be isolating – although the money clearly didn’t make the duke unhappy enough to get rid of it, or indeed to eschew the family tradition of minimising inheritance tax liabilities – but in Gerald Grosvenor’s case something else seems to be going on. What emerges is a picture of a man struggling all his life with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, worried that he had done nothing to live up to the reputation of those ancestors who built his unearned fortune. Bullied at school, he reportedly left Harrow without one proper friend.

And if you can’t bring yourself to feel sorry for a billionaire, the blunt truth is that not all lonely people are lovable old grannies who tug at your heartstrings. An unhappy few have pushed others away with their self-destructive behaviour and are now paying a high price for it; some have struggled bitterly all their lives with the art of making friends, never quite mastering social norms. How much of the late-night bile spewed on social media simply reflects the envy and frustration of those who see other people happily connecting all around them and just don’t quite know how to join in? Loneliness has its dark side, one not so easily solved by more visits from the grandchildren or well-meaning volunteer “befrienders” popping in for chats over coffee.

For Jole and Michele, at least, perhaps there will be a happy ending. Now their story has been made public, perhaps surviving relatives or old friends will rally round, and if nothing else the knowledge that strangers worldwide are now asking how they can send letters or visit must do something to restore their faith in human nature.

Yet while a little kindness goes a very long way, it’s too easy to pretend loneliness can all be solved by a few more companionable plates of spaghetti. It makes for a less heartwarming story but the truth is that, like the poor, the lonely may to some degree always be with us – even, perhaps, when they’re ostensibly with someone else.

One in 10 do not have a close friend and even more feel unloved, survey finds

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contentment, employment, family, friends, health, loneliness, love, money, relationships, well-being

One in 10 do not have a close friend and even more feel unloved, survey finds

Millions of people in the UK do not have a single friend and one in five feel unloved, according to a survey published on Tuesday by the relationship charity Relate.

One in 10 people questioned said they did not have a close friend, amounting to an estimated 4.7 million people in the UK may be leading a very lonely existence.

Ruth Sutherland, the chief executive of Relate, said the survey revealed a divided nation with many people left without the vital support of friends or partners.

While the survey found 85% of individuals questioned felt they had a good relationship with their partners, 19% had never or rarely felt loved in the two weeks before the survey.

“Whilst there is much to celebrate, the results around how close we feel to others are very concerning. There is a significant minority of people who claim to have no close friends, or who never or rarely feel loved – something which is unimaginable to many of us,” said Sutherland.

“Relationships are the asset which can get us through good times and bad, and it is worrying to think that there are people who feel they have no one they can turn to during life’s challenges. We know that strong relationships are vital for both individuals and society as a whole, so investing in them is crucial.”

The study looked at 5,778 people aged 16 and over across England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland and asked about people’s contentment with all aspects of their relationships, including their partners, friends, workmates and bosses. It found that people who said that they had good relationships had higher levels of wellbeing, while poor relationships were detrimental to health, wellbeing and self-confidence.

The study found that 81% of people who were married or cohabiting felt good about themselves, compared with 69% who were single.

The quality of relationship counts for a lot, according to the survey: 83% of those who described their relationship as good or very good reported feeling good about themselves while only 62% of those who described their relationship as average, bad or very bad reported the same level of personal wellbeing.

The survey, The Way We Are Now 2014, showed that while four out of five people said they had a good relationship with their partner, far fewer were happy with their sex lives. One in four people admitted to being dissatisfied with their sex life, and one in four also admitted to having an affair.

There was also evidence of the changing nature of family life – and increasing divorce rates – in the survey, which found that almost one in four of the people questioned had experienced the breakdown of their parents’ relationship.

When it comes to the biggest strains put on relationships, a significant majority (62%) cited money troubles as the most stressful factor.

The survey also found that older people are more worried about money, with 69% of those aged 65 and over saying money worries were a major strain, compared with only 37% of 16 to 24-year-olds.

When it comes to employment, many of those questioned had a positive relationship with their bosses, but felt putting work before family was highly valued in the workplace.

Just under 60% of people said they had a good relationship with their boss, but more than one in three thought their bosses believed the most productive employees put work before family. It also appears that work can be quite a lonely place too: 42% of people said they had no friends at work.

Nine out of 10 people, however, said they had a least one close friend, with 81% of women describing their friendships as good or very good compared with 73% of men.

Britain’s elderly – lonelier than ever. Where do they all belong?

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elderly, isolation, loneliness, lonely, older adults, public health issue

Britain’s elderly – lonelier than ever. Where do they all belong?

Well over one million elderly people in the UK describe themselves as lonely often or all of the time, and many more consider their pet, or even the television, to be their most important form of company.

Age UK said that the findings from their latest loneliness survey revealed a significant increase in self-reported social isolation, with 10 per cent of people describing themselves as often or always lonely. This represents an increase of nearly 300,000 on last year’s survey.

The survey, conducted this month, consulted more than 2,000 people over the age of 65, of whom there are nearly 11 million in the UK.

Two in every five respondents said their main form of company was either their pet or the television. Nationally, this would be the equivalent of 4.3m people.

Loneliness has been identified as a key public health problem in recent years, as more people become cut off from society as they retire from work and lose their independence through disability.

Recent research in the US suggests that being lonely carried twice the health risk of obesity, with people who reported loneliness 14 per cent more likely than average to die in the course of the six-month study.

The Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, highlighted loneliness in a speech last year, calling the plight of the “chronically lonely” a “national shame”. He said it was a problem which “in our busy lives we have utterly failed to confront as a society”.

However, Age UK’s director Caroline Abrahams said that funding cuts, which were brought in by the Coalition, were forcing many of the local services which help elderly people stay connected, such as lunch clubs, to close – increasing the work that the voluntary sector had to do.

“We know how devastating loneliness can be for older people and these figures are another reminder of the scale of the issue,” she said.

Kate Jopling, director for the Campaign to End Loneliness, added: “It should be a grave concern to health and social care managers that so many older people are now severely lonely. The evidence is clear that loneliness leads to avoidable ill health.

“If we fail to take this public health issue seriously now we may end up pushing already stretched services to breaking point.”

Loneliness twice as unhealthy as obesity for older people, study finds

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health problems, isolation, loneliness, older adults, support

Loneliness twice as unhealthy as obesity for older people, study finds

Loneliness can be twice as unhealthy as obesity, according to researchers who found that feelings of isolation can have a devastating impact on older people.

The scientists tracked more than 2,000 people aged 50 and over and found that the loneliest were nearly twice as likely to die during the six-year study than the least lonely.

Compared with the average person in the study, those who reported being lonely had a 14% greater risk of dying. The figure means that loneliness has around twice the impact on an early death as obesity. Poverty increased the risk of an early death by 19%.

The findings point to a coming crisis as the population ages and people increasingly live alone or far from their families. A study of loneliness in older Britons in 2012 found that more than a fifth felt lonely all the time, and a quarter became more lonely over five years. Half of those who took part in the survey said their loneliness was worse at weekends, and three-quarters suffered more at night.

Previous studies have linked loneliness to a range of health problems, from high blood pressure and a weakened immune system to a greater risk of depression, heart attack and strokes. In his recent book, Loneliness, John Cacioppo, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, says that the pain of loneliness is akin to physical pain.

Cacioppo said the world was experiencing a “silver tsunami” as baby boomers reached retirement age. “People have to think about how to protect themselves from depression, low subjective well-being and early mortality,” he said.

In light of the damaging health effects of loneliness, Cacioppo said people approaching retirement age might want to think twice about pulling up their roots and heading to fresh pastures to live out their retirement. He described results from the study at the American Association for the Advancement of Science meeting in Chicago.

“We have mythic notions of retirement. We think that retirement means leaving friends and family and buying a place down in Florida where it is warm and living happily ever after. But that’s probably not the best idea,” he said.

“We find people who continue to interact with co-workers after retirement and have friends close by are less lonely. Take time to enjoy yourself and share good times with family and friends. Non-lonely people enjoy themselves with other people.”

The researchers found that some people were happy living a life of solitude. Others still felt lonely, and suffered the health impacts of loneliness, even with family and friends close by. The findings suggest that people needed to feel involved and valued by those near to them, and that company alone was not enough.

Caroline Abrahams at Age UK said the study added to a growing body of research showing that being lonely not only made life miserable for older people, but also made them more vulnerable to illness and disease.

“It’s time we took loneliness seriously as a threat to a happy and healthy later life. We need to do more to support older people to stay socially connected. This is a big part of our job at Age UK and everyone can help by being a good friend or neighbour to the older people they know,” she said.

Local branches of Age UK help older people through befriending schemes and other services that include home visits and phone calls for people who are feeling lonely or isolated, she added.

The Untold Story of Childhood Sight Loss

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anxiety, blindness, Children, confidence, Depression, loneliness, sight loss, support, visually impaired, young people

The Untold Story of Childhood Sight Loss

People often ask me what the worst thing about being blind is. My response to them is that you’d be forgiven for thinking that it is not being able to see. But actually there is an untold story when it comes to the dark reality of sight loss, particularly childhood sight loss.

I am the chief executive of a charity called The Royal London Society for Blind People and we work with blind young people every day. They tell us that it is not the lack of full sight that is the problem, but the lack of confidence, resilience, friends and hope for the future.

If one was to talk to blind young people, you will find that by the age of six they are already beginning to limit their horizons. By the time they are 19 they are telling us that they are lonely, their parents do too much for them, they don’t know how to be cool, and that they are extremely worried about their future.

The stats speak for themselves: 40% of blind and partially sighted young people don’t have any local friends to play with, and 80% say that they have little hope for what life holds. We believe a quarter of blind children under the age of 12 are depressed.

One young teen called Lee* spoke to us about his experiences. Lee was the only visually impaired person at his high school and for a long time he was lonely and depressed because he couldn’t go out and do the same things as his sighted friends.

Since joining one of RLSB’s Social & Peer Groups, Lee is much happier and more confident about what he can achieve. And in his own words: “I don’t feel so alone”.

Lee was lucky to get the help and support he needed. But what happens if blind young people do not get the right support? We need to look at how their adult counter-parts are fairing:

• 66% of registered blind and partially sighted people of working age are not in employment

• Two thirds live on the poverty line

• More than 30% will live with clinical depression and a further 30% will live with severe anxiety

This is not the aspiration that any mum or dad has for their child.

It’s time to face up to the fact that this is the real problem that faces blind young people today. Despite the continued investment that has gone into supporting blind and partially sighted young people and their families, very little has changed in terms of their life chances despite our best efforts.

It’s deplorable that this is still the case in 21st century Britain, which is why we have launched The Untold Story awareness campaign. The campaign is asking the public to reconsider what they think the challenges around childhood sight loss are. Adverts on the London Underground and played out on Classic FM tell what we know to be the real story about a blind young person’s experience of growing up.

We are asking the public for their support in helping us to tell the untold story. All they need to do is copy and paste #ICanSeeLee and I’m sharing his story: http://www.rlsb.org.uk/lee to their Facebook status and Twitter feed.

By sharing the message we hope that the issue will be bought to the attention of tens of thousands of people who in turn can support RLSB and help us bring about real change through life changing interventions, such as our peer groups.

This campaign is about telling the country that as a society we are failing young blind and partially sighted people and it’s time to change the record. That it’s a time for a life without limits for blind young people.

*Name has been changed

Elderly People In Britain Lonelier Than In Other European Countries, Study Finds

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elderly, isolation, loneliness

Elderly People In Britain Lonelier Than In Other European Countries, Study Finds

Elderly people in Britain are lonelier and poorer that those in similar European countries, international research suggests.

They are also more concerned about age discrimination than some of their European neighbours and feel more negative towards young people, a Demos report has found.

More over-65s in this country suffer life-limiting illnesses than in Germany, the Netherlands and Sweden, it showed.

The UK was graded third among the four countries in its overall performance across a range of areas considered in the report prepared for older people’s charity WRVS.

One reason for the sense of solitude felt by Britain’s elderly may be long-term underinvestment by local authorities in services that reduce isolation and loneliness, it was argued.

The country’s poor score in elderly people’s health might reflect particularly unhealthy lifestyles in the UK, with higher rates of alcohol consumption and obesity than in the other three countries, the Ageing Across Europe report suggested.

By contrast, in Sweden, where older people are the healthiest of those across the four countries, public policy focuses on improving health earlier on in life to ensure a healthier old age.

Of the four countries, Britain’s over-65s were found to face the highest chance of living in poverty, with a fifth of pensioners at risk in 2010, compared to only six per cent of pensioners at risk of poverty in the Netherlands.

Older women in the UK were more concerned about age discrimination than older men, the study found.

WRVS said the findings should act as a wake-up call.  Chief executive David McCullough said: “The treatment of older people in this country needs to be addressed and we must learn from our EU partners.

“They have proved it is possible to tackle some of these issues by taking advantage of volunteers to provide older people with more social contact and better links to their communities.

“This, in turn, will have a knock-on beneficial impact on their health.”

The study recommended more volunteering to provide peer support to older people and boost their social life, and annual government reports on Britain’s older population measuring progress against other European Union countries.

The UK should also explore what else can be done to encourage intergenerational mingling, it suggested.

The Government described loneliness as one of society’s biggest challenges.

Care Services Minister Paul Burstow said: “Lack of day-to-day contact can have a huge impact on people’s health.

“The Government is working with the Campaign to End Loneliness to raise awareness about how important even a simple phone call or visit can be to someone’s health.

“We will be setting out in our care and support White Paper how we will work with the voluntary sector, businesses, local communities and others to put tackling loneliness on the agenda.”