Time to lay responsibility at the rapist’s door

Tags

behaviour, blame, challenge, low self-esteem, perpetrators, prevention, rape, relationships, responsibility, Sexual Violence, support, Teens, vulnerability, women

Time to lay responsibility at the rapist’s door

A 15-year-old boy was describing to me and a group of 12 other young men his relationships with teenage girls. He held firm with his opinion that if a girl came round to his house it implied that she wanted to have sex. But there was one boy in the group who, even in the face of pressure from the others, was certain that “even if she’s naked, she’s not supposed to be raped”.

I was interviewing the young men about their experiences of relationships for the Female Voice in Violence project, and it was clear that the majority of the boys did not understand the concept of rape. They could not see it.

Would you “see” rape? This is the question being asked in the second stage of a government campaign to raise awareness of abuse in teenage relationships. The initiative is launched at a time when there is an increasing focus on young women’s experiences of sexual violence. To date, those shouldering the responsibility of rape prevention have been the victims: girls are blamed for making themselves vulnerable to rape, and their low self-esteem or a craving to belong is the reason, we are told, that they place themselves in situations where they may be victimised. Now, however, it is the turn of those who commit sexual violence to be challenged to recognise it.

It is right that girls are supported to reduce their vulnerability. However, there is a growing sense of frustration among girls, and some services that work with them, that this vulnerability is communicated as the cause of sexual violence. The message they hear is that girls are raped because they are vulnerable. Where, they ask, is the space to consider the responsibility of those who are perpetrating abuse? So a campaign that challenges the perpetrators to ask whether they see rape is welcome.

Girls have told me they are relieved that they are not once again being told to modify their behaviour in order to avoid abuse. Those same girls would call for services to support victims of sexual violence; these are essential. However, providing services to pick up the pieces, or reduce vulnerabilities, will never, on their own, prevent sexual violence. Until the behaviour of rapists is understood and challenged the abuse will continue.

The campaign signals a move to reframe and revisit questions about how to prevent sexual violence, so it is crucial that the response on the ground is able to mirror this. While investment has been made in services for boys and men who commit forms of violence such as gun and knife crime, little attention has been given to preventing their use of sexual violence. This needs to change.

Young people’s views are shaped by a mosaic of messages, images and attitudes. Professionals need to be supported to challenge these ideas in order to stem the development of abusive attitudes and behaviours.

Challenging the ideas that normalise sexual violence, from the outset, should underpin any such preventive work. The inclusion of men and boys in this debate is critical. The young man who condemned rape in the face of peer pressure is not a one-off. We need to understand the difference in attitudes between young men. Only then will we move from seeing rape to stopping it.

Stepfamilies: One step beyond

Tags

Children, family, parents, step-families

Stepfamilies: One step beyond

Divorce, they say, is hardest on the kids. But putting the children first when you’re embroiled in the hurt, betrayal and insanity of a long-term break-up, is even harder when they’re not biologically yours.

Jim Carrey was criticised on national radio by his former long-term girlfriend Jenny McCarthy for losing contact with her son. The model and actress, with whom Carrey split in 2010, claims Evan, 10, who suffers from autism, has been in therapy to cope with separation from his former stepfather Carrey, who has denied that McCarthy directly invited him to stay in touch with the boy.

Step-parenting is a tricky business under even the most Brady Bunch of circumstances. But when a relationship goes awry, how best to attend to the needs of a child who has probably depended on you and been told to love you, but who is not your flesh and blood, and to whom you have no legal obligations after a split, is a minefield.

It can take years to “blend” families; with children belonging to different partners, grown-up offspring, new babies and the grandparents, aunties and uncles that come with them. Difficulties between parents and children who are not related by blood are among the key causes of relationship breakdowns. But when this happens (and assuming the adults don’t then declare themselves celibate), the complications seem to perpetuate themselves. Divorce rates among those already divorced have been consistently high for the last decade. Nearly 40 per cent of marriage dissolutions in England and Wales annually occur between couples where one partner has been married before. More than 9 per cent of divorces each year happen between couples who have both been married already.

“What the marriage and divorce statistics don’t take into account is the high number of co-habiting couples who then split up,” says Christine Northam, of Relate. “Children grieve for the loss of their home as they know it. Parents need to be very mindful of what they are doing.”

A child’s natural loyalty to a biological parent who has been replaced by a new spouse is just one of the many complicated problems that can influence daily lives in a step household. The arrival of new children who might have to suddenly share rooms, toys and attention will undoubtedly upset the order of things – and can produce tension. Parents who have done it will tell you it takes the resilience, stamina and patience of a saint to create a functional step-family. But if, having got there, and “blended” into being, however unconventional, ragbag and surprising your family is, if the whole thing breaks down once again, it can be unendurable for children. Lizzie, 38, grew up in her father’s care after her parents divorced. He married his secretary after a work affair and Lizzie and her younger sister and brother moved in with the woman who caused the end of her parents’ marriage. Two half-brothers soon arrived.

“There are 15 years between me and my youngest half-brother, so people thought he was mine,” she says. “My stepmother was out working a lot so I looked after the little ones, which I loved.” Despite the bonds between the siblings, coping with her father’s “new family” brought with it an additional set of emotional ramifications. “Being part of the first set of children does make you feel you were never good enough,” she says. “You feel misplaced. I am biased but I think for men, children from previous marriages come last. It’s different for mothers.”

Having got over initial feelings of resentment towards her first stepmother (over her father’s infidelity), Lizzie was stunned when her father left his second wife for a younger woman. Lizzie didn’t keep in touch with her first stepmother and couldn’t form a relationship with her father’s third wife.

Mary, 37, a journalist, has a more positive view of the break-up of her blended family. Her parents divorced when she was 14 and both remarried. Her mother’s new husband had two sons who came to live with them, the youngest of whom was a similar age to Mary. “We became brother and sister really quickly,” she says. “His father cheated on my mother about 10 years later so I didn’t stay in touch with my stepfather, partly because I didn’t want to for Mum’s sake, but also because he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. But my brother made a real effort to maintain the relationship with us.” Strictly speaking they’re not related in any way but they still refer to each other as brother and sister “because it would be weird not to”.

It’s easy to focus on the negative sides of melded families gone wrong. But often, as in Mary’s case, even if the “unit” breaks up, positive relationships endure. Interior designer Kelly Hoppen is stepmum to the actress Sienna Miller, despite having divorced her father years ago. They appear at glitzy events together, Sienna having recently supported the launch of stepsister Natasha Corrett’s new cookery book, and Hoppen publicly confirmed Miller’s pregnancy earlier this year.

Pop singer Peter Andre and model Katie Price divorced in 2009 after four and half years of marriage. They have a son and daughter together and Andre has been vocal about his continued relationship with Price’s disabled eldest son, Harvey, 10, whom she had by footballer Dwight Yorke. Andre dedicated 2010 single “Unconditional” to Harvey and has paid money into a trust fund for the boy. And the actress Demi Moore’s daughter, Rumer, appears to be feeling her way towards a continuing relationship with her former stepfather, Ashton Kutcher, to whom she was very close when he was married to her mother, despite the difficult nature of the break-up.

Northam warns against underestimating the impact a step-parent may have had on a child’s life. “I would always recommend, if possible, maintaining a relationship with a child, even if it’s limited to a cup of tea every so often,” she says. “Parents and step-parents need to be as honest as they can with their families. Don’t shroud it all in mystery. Give children age-appropriate information. If you can do it together that can be very helpful because it shows the child you can co-operate on their behalf.”

All about my mother

Tags

Children, family, motherhood, parenting, parents

All about my mother

“I realised I was just like my mum and went into therapy.”

“For the first few years of parenting, I thought good parents were strict and shouty [sic] and smacking was OK.”

“When I was in antenatal group the HV [health visitor] asked, ‘What is your biggest fear?’ and I said, ‘To become my mum.'”

These are all comments from people on Mumsnet, the parenting website, showing that the old adage that we all turn into our parents is still striking fear into the hearts of many. But is it true that we’re doomed to repeat their mistakes? Or can a difficult parent actually teach you things that an ideal parent can’t?

A new book, Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power, by the psychologist and Cambridge fellow Terri Apter, says that a difficult parent does have a huge impact on whom we become, but we aren’t necessarily doomed to repeat their mistakes. In fact, having a difficult parent can give you some important characteristics and skills that a child with a happy upbringing might not have.

“You inherit patterns of behaviour from parents, but these aren’t set in stone. Reflecting on what was difficult about your maternal relationship will help you to prevent copying their behaviour in later life,” she explains, but this isn’t as easy as it might sound. Some people take years to rid themselves of their parents’ influence.

“People talk about ‘internalised voices’, this punitive, berating voice. They might describe themselves as ‘haunted’ or ‘shadowed’ by the voice of a mother telling them they will get things wrong, saying things like, ‘No one cares what you think,’ ‘You are stupid,’ or ‘You always say the wrong thing.’ You can learn to engage with that punitive inner voice and you can be cowed or amused by it; you don’t have to believe what it says.”

Difficult Mothers is based on case studies collected over 10 years, a review of journals on the subject and also inspired by Apter’s difficulties with her own mother. “It was very constrained; she was angry and controlling. I always had to be on the lookout for her anger and I was always on the alert to try not to reveal things that might upset her, and to placate her when they did. It wasn’t spontaneous and it wasn’t comfortable. Toward the end of her life she had cast out my sister and that gave me a sense of how fragile this relationship was.”

Apter identifies five categories of difficult mother: the angry mother, the controlling mother, the narcissistic mother, the envious mother and the emotionally unavailable mother. She is careful to caution that only around 20 per cent of mothers will fall into these categories – the rest are just normal, flawed humans – but if your parent does fit one of these types, it can have a profound effect on whom you become.

A child’s brain development from birth to three years of age is particularly crucial. A mother will normally respond to and mirror her child’s feelings. She will look into the child’s eyes and try to get to know him or her. This process of responding to a baby’s signals is called “attunement”. The psychiatrist Thomas Lewis once remarked, “The absence of attunement may be a non-event for a reptile, but it inflicts a shattering injury to the socially hungry.” Apter agrees: “The worst bit is having that brain not develop – that is the real killer.”

If a mother has postnatal depression it can mean she does not attune to her baby and doesn’t give him or her enough stimulation. Apter classes this within the “emotionally unavailable” category. If you are withdrawn, or you think no one cares about what you think and feel, it might be the result of this lack of stimulation when you were young, but this isn’t set in stone. “Once you recognise this, you can try to be more sensitive to positive responses from others,” Apter says. “When people are friendly, think about responding positively back.”

You might also have some highly developed life skills. “If you had to help your mother from a young age, you might have learnt that you can comfort and be a source of support to others and might also have developed a great deal of competence through helping others in the family,” Apter says.

Having an “angry” mother – as Apter and her sister did – might make you want to withdraw from any relationship when there is conflict in adult life. “That can be a problem and result in you only having short-term relationships,” Apter says. On the other hand, she points out that you will probably be very diplomatic, and have a thick skin, developed from protecting yourself against other people’s anger.

An over-protective mother might show signs of the “controlling” or “envy” groups, Apter says. “She might say, ‘You can’t do things without me there to pull the strings,’ or ‘You will mess up if I’m not in control,’ or the other aspect might be ‘I feel anxious and diminished and I need you to feel that alongside me, because I can’t bear to see you feeling stronger than I am.’ Although an envious mother will never clearly admit her jealousy.”

According to Apter, children of a controlling mother can find it hard to know what they really want, because they are used to their mother telling them how they should feel. A child of an envious parent might feel they should not seek to achieve success. “They subconsciously think, ‘If I am successful and happy and independent, it will destroy the people I love,'” Apter says. “You have to try to focus on whether you feel this anxiety or paralysis when you think about what you want. You can fill in the blank and attend to what you are thinking or feeling, just pause, wait and keep it in mind. Also, try it out and see it isn’t catastrophic to do what you want.”

On the plus side, a controlling mother can make you very disciplined from an early age. “If your mother’s controlling personality drives you to excel, there are pluses in that,” Apter says. “You might gain more skills than your peers and be a high achiever.” An envious mother might also teach you some valuable lessons: “Sometimes you learn you have to ignore other people’s negativity or doubts to get what you want,” Apter says. “You know people who are very independent and self-directed with a sort of edge? They may have had to act in the face of others’ envy.” A “narcissistic” mother can also rear high-achieving children. “It might be that you learn to be high achieving but also very modest – that’s a great skill,” says Apter. This is developed by responding to a mother who “might want the child to shine because they are part of her but also resent anyone who outshines her”. So their child might be keen to tout the success of others while never bragging about their own talents.

Ultimately, who you are, and how you go on to treat your own children, is not a fixed pattern, Apter says. “I am not saying you will be a certain way, but take time to assess whether this legacy from your parents impedes you. ” If you identify any of the traits Apter describes, she recommends that you take one situation at a time, and realise that the maternal voice in your head “won’t really kill you or threaten you”; in fact, it could be the key to your success.

Relationships After Sexual Assault

Tags

rape, sexual assault, Therapy, trauma

Relationships After Sexual Assault

Or should I say the “lack of relationships” after sexual assault… Trust is a difficult thing, especially when you’ve fallen victim to a rape. After becoming a victim myself and eventually seeking therapy, I couldn’t trust anyone, not even myself. Can you imagine the feeling of not being able to trust yourself? I am still very mistrustful and fearful. To understand why, I would have to revert back to the crime itself along with some common misconceptions.

Since writing about this publicly, many people, mainly men, have argued with me that rape is an act that men cannot help executing because of their “natural” sexual drives and desires. This misconception is also the reason why victim-blaming excuses often fly without much questioning from others. “She was dressed like a slut,” “She is very promiscuous,” and many many more excuses for rape crimes take the blame off the perpetrator and place it on the victim. At one point, I too thought that rape was a sexually-motivated crime. When it happened to me I was young, cute and totally disinterested in the “friends” who raped me. I thought that maybe they had wanted me bad and knew they couldn’t have me so they resorted to rape as it was the only way to “get” me. It made sense in my head, at the time.

This is, of course, wrong. Rape is not about sex. It is about control. It is a crime like any other where something is taken without consent. If a man walks into a bank with a gun, he uses the gun as a weapon to procure money from the bank. Rape is similar. A rapist overpowers the victim by using sex as a weapon, much like a gunman scares bank tellers into submission by waving around a firearm.

A rapist is similar to a bully in the schoolyard picking on smaller kids so he can feel “bigger.” It is possible that the friends who raped me did it because they knew I would never sleep with them in a million years willingly. This still doesn’t make it about sex. Maybe they wanted to have sex with me but they knew that I wouldn’t, and out of anger and resentment decided that they were going to have sex with me with or without my permission. That night, they put something in my drink so they could do it without fear of me remembering or finding out (or so they thought…). In the end, they got what they wanted, despite what I wanted. Yes, what they originally wanted might’ve been sex, but without my consent what they wanted from me surpassed the sexual and entered into the realm of control: They wanted me to do what they wanted.

Since starting counseling, my ability to trust has greatly decreased. For some reason, talking about what happened has opened whole new metaphorical can of worms. Not only do I have trouble trusting others, even family and friends I’ve known for years, but most of the time I feel like I cannot even trust myself. This is a problem many victims of sexual assault experience, and it often results in isolation from friends and family as well as a failure to forge new friendships and relationships.

A lot of people have difficulties in relationships, but a person who has survived rape will have extra issues. It takes a patient and special person to be their lover or even just their friend. Sometimes the additional trials and issues involved in relating to a sexual assault survivor are very, very sad. Last weekend I was invited to an awesome concert by a good friend. It was an all-day music fest, and it would be just the two of us and one of her good guy friends. I wanted to go but the idea of crashing at her place along with some guy I didn’t know terrified me. Even though he was a good friend of hers, someone she knew and trusted, I could not bring myself to trust. Because she is such an understanding and kind person, she wasn’t insulted when I told her why I was uncomfortable going. But not everybody is that understanding. Most people are not.

The friends and family I have both from my “real life” and those I’ve met online are the some of the most patient people in the world. I spazz. I am afraid. I do not and sometimes cannot trust. I overreact. I am overly emotional. With all those terrible traits, they are always there for me. They know I am trying but cannot help it. What has happened to me, to my emotions and my mind, is equivalent to a physical handicap. My perception of life and everyday occurrences will never be normal. They can never be put right again. Like a person who has lost a limb in an accident, the damage has been done and nothing will ever bring that limb back. Now that the limb is gone, they are presented with more challenges. They still have to live life as they did before they had a physical handicap, but now they must find new ways to do the things that used to come naturally to them. Now there are extra obstacles they must surpass to live normally; permanent obstacles that will be a new layer upon the structure of what they used to consider their normal daily life. Over time, things do become easier, but they will never again be the same, and only the strongest people can be friends with and participate in relationships with a person who has experienced this type of emotional trauma.

I sarcastically said that this article should be titled the “Lack of Relationships After Sexual Assault” because it takes an empathetic and patient person to be supportive and understanding to someone who has experienced that kind of trauma. Many survivors, including myself, have been dumped by a significant other after revealing that being a victim of sexual assault was part of our pasts. Though the term “survivor” sounds pretty tough, the truth is that survivors are often fragile, and find themselves being ditched by guys and friends alike who are often too callous or impatient to deal with the emotional rollar coaster a rape survivor experiences and deals with on a daily basis. It is easy for a survivor to become overly dependent on friends once they learn that they can open up and trust again because it feels so amazing to finally be able to trust a person.

Sometimes being honest about being a survivor or even just being yourself ends up pushing the friends who cannot handle it away. And though it always hurts, the heart knows in the long run that by being ditched, these “friends” were actually doing you a favor. I know that as a survivor of sexual assault, I do not need half-assed cold-hearted men or friends in my life, people who are scared of the mental scape that makes up my reality. Imagine living in my head? Imagine experiencing my fear and trauma firsthand? If a person cannot be there to hold my hand when something becomes difficult for me, if he or she does not feel that my good qualities outweigh my bad ones and cannot be forgiving of my emotional issues or the way I handle things, then maybe they do not deserve my friendship. Relationships after sexual assault are not always easy. In fact, sometimes the relationship with the self is as challenging as the relationships with the people around you. True friends will reveal themselves in time and it is those friends who must always be appreciated and never forgotten.

Judge slams ‘Hello magazine approach’ to marriage

Tags

Divorce, Marriage

Judge slams ‘Hello magazine approach’ to marriage

A High Court judge has hit out at the “Hello magazine approach” to marriage which he said has led to a dramatic increase in divorce and family breakdown.

Sir Paul Coleridge, who sits in the Family Division, said he felt compelled to speak out because of the unprecedented scale of the problem.

He is now taking the unusual step for a serving judge to launch the Marriage Foundation to make the case that stable, long-term marriages are best for individuals, for families and for society.

He told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme: “There comes a time when sometimes you have to speak out in circumstances where you feel you know more than anybody involved in the debate.

“I happen to think that the family judiciary have a contribution to make to this debate. Most of us have watched as the situation has gradually got more and more and more appalling and out of control and there comes a time when it is, I think, irresponsible to remain quiet.

“In terms of the impact that family breakdown is having on society, nobody – and I emphasise that – nobody has the experience that the family judiciary have.

“If we remain quiet, it is like doctors who see epidemics going through their surgeries and say ‘We can’t make a comment on that because it might be said to be commenting on the way people are living’.

“This is now happening across Britain – and indeed Europe and North America – on a scale we have never seen before and the impact it has on the whole of society is very, very real and dramatic and we need to highlight it and do something about it.”

Sir Paul insisted that he was not mounting a moral campaign but simply wanted to set out the facts in a “non-preachy, non-didactic way”.

He said that celebrity magazines such as Hello promote unrealistic expectations about marriage and people need to understand the importance of working at relationships to make them work.

“I normally find the people who are in there (Hello) are in my court within about a year or two,” he said.

“What I criticise – what I call the Hello magazine, Hollywood approach to this whole business – is that there is still, or maybe more than there was, a completely unrealistic expectation about long-term relationships and marriage in particular, that if you find the right ideal partner that’s all that matters and things will just carry on from there on and you will be divinely happy.

“We all know, all of us who have been in relationships – whether married or unmarried – for a long time is that the only way that they are made to work and the only way that they become really qualitatively good is by absolutely grinding away at it.

“That’s when people find that, actually, if they get through the difficulties and do get the help, they will in fact end up with a product that is really worth having.”

Why can’t we stay married?

Tags

age, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Postnatal Depression

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/why-cant-we-stay-married-7657610.html

It could be described as a depressing portrait of a modern relationship: a career-driven couple meet later in life, have a whirlwind romance and settle down quickly to have children. Then things start to go wrong.

This is the picture painted by research carried out by the parenting website Netmums, which found that modern relationships are most likely to break down after just three years due to the stresses of late parenthood.

Relationship specialists immediately pointed to a growing trend for “fast forward” partnerships as couples leave it later in life to get together – but spend less time getting to know each other before moving in together and having children. One in 20 couples polled admitted they were expecting a baby within three months of getting together and 15 per cent within a year.

Consequently, the study of 1,500 people found that couples are now four and a half times more likely to split up after three years – earlier than the “seven year itch” traditionally cited as the danger point in a relationship. More than 20 per cent of couples who split saw their relationship fall apart between two and four years, while only 3 per cent broke up seven years in.

The latest figures from the Office of National Statistics show that women now delay having children until they are nearly 30. The average age of women giving birth in England and Wales is now a year older than it was a decade ago (29.5 in 2010 compared with 28.5 in 2000).

The figures also suggest an increase in the number of parents who are living together, as the number of those who are married or in civil partnerships continues to fall. The proportion of births to couples who are married or in civil partnerships was 53 per cent in 2010, compared with 61 per cent in 2000, and 88 per cent in 1980.

But births registered by parents who appeared to be cohabiting – by jointly registering the baby and giving the same address – has risen, reaching 31 per cent of all births in 2010, compared with 25 per cent in 2000.

Penny Mansfield, director of One Plus One, the relationships charity, said: “This poll supports what we know of the changing social patterns that we see all around us. People are not marrying in the numbers that they did but they are forming partnerships and having children.

“People may have a series of relationships and then get to a certain age and then think: ‘Oh we should have children’ without necessarily having made more of a commitment. When you get this more informal approach to relationships – particularly when you have children – relationships are much more unstable.

“People also now have much higher expectations of relationships. So when people hit difficulties, often when they become parents, they think: “Things aren’t what they were’.”

Two out of five parents responding to the poll reported that they were so short of time and money that they could only go out as a couple “two or three” times a year. Fifteen per cent said they “never” went out as a couple anymore, while 14 per cent only had a single night a year together. Only one in 100 parents now spends quality time together a few nights a week.

Leila Collins, a counselling psychologist and lecturer at Middesex University, said: “There’s a great deal of pressure on women to educate themselves and prepare themselves for careers. Consequently the age at which they are prepared to settle down is a bit older and they may feel the clock is ticking. Even though they are a bit older and more experienced, when it comes to choosing a partner to start a family with, they may make mistakes.

“If you are going to have children with someone you need to be absolutely sure, no matter how much the clock is ticking. It is absolutely ludicrous and childish for people to think that they can have a child with someone and move on. You cannot take these risks with other people’s lives on a whim.”

The study also found that two thirds of couples believe it is harder to maintain a relationship nowadays compare to a generation ago. Almost two in five couples said it was more difficult to maintain a relationship because women were forced to work and had less time for their partners, while 22 per cent thought couples were less committed and too quick to split. One in 10 believe couples take having children “too lightly”.

Netmums founder Siobhan Freegard said: “Relationships are tough at the best of times, but add in young children, lack of time, work and money worries and it’s little surprise couples are splitting up earlier than ever before. There is unprecedented pressure on women to be the perfect wife, mother and career woman while men are feeling more and more unsure of their role.”

Having children was shown to be the biggest problem area. Almost half (42 per cent) of people who took part in the research claimed having children made them less close – with only a third saying they became closer after kids.

Four in five people polled said their relationship suffered when they were exhausted after the birth of a new baby or looking after young children. Almost half (46 per cent) went off sex, while two in five felt less attractive after putting on weight.

More than half blamed money worries and debts for problems in their relationship, while a third suffered postnatal depression. One in 14 admitted to starting an affair, while 9 per cent said their partner wanted to become more sexually adventurous when they didn’t.