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a1000shadesofhurt

a1000shadesofhurt

Monthly Archives: February 2013

Military staff fear redundancy if they complain about bullying, says report

26 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Bullying

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abuse, armed forces, Bullying, complaints, harassment, Military, redundancy

Military staff fear redundancy if they complain about bullying, says report

Military personnel have been deterred from making complaints about bullying and victimisation within the armed forces because of fears they will be put in the frontline for redundancy, a report warns today.

The problem is another reason why the system for investigating harassment and other abuses should be overhauled and scrutinised by a new Armed Forces Ombudsman working outside the military chain of command, say MPs on the defence select committee.

Their report said the current procedures led to backlogs and concern that many soldiers, sailors and pilots have been too nervous to raise complaints against senior officers because of what it might do to their careers.

MPs were told the heads of the army, air force and navy did not understand the role of an ombudsman, but “were sure they didn’t want one” – a position that showed discussions about the proposal “had not been as productive as they should have been.”

At the moment, complaints are overseen by a Services Complaints Commissioner, but the office does not have enough resources, and there are backlogs of cases, particularly in the army and the RAF.

Though the number of anonymous ‘contacts’ the commissioner has received about bullying and harassment has increased for the last three years, the number of actual cases investigated remains low.

The processes remain unnecessarily complex and drawn out, the report says.

Many claims have not been pursued because the alleged victim “did not have confidence to pursue this matter through the chain of command”, the report suggests.

MPs say the Ministry of Defence must urgently commission research into why people are being deterred. It must also instigate a study into the level of sexual offences within the armed forces.

“Without accurate figures, the MoD is unaware of how severe a problem it is dealing with in relation to sexual offences within the armed forces.”

The report adds: “We are concerned that the commissioner and others are reporting that fears of redundancy among service personnel appear to be deterring them from making service complaints. It is unacceptable that personnel who believe they have a genuine grievance in relation to redundancy or any other matter are reluctant to seek redress or resolution because they fear the consequences of making a complaint.

“As a matter of urgency the MoD and the commissioner should investigate this matter.”

James Arbuthnot, Tory chair of the committee, said he remained disappointed the MoD remained opposed to the appointment of an ombudsman with beefed up powers and oversight.

“There are too many reports of service personnel being reluctant to raise genuine complaints and grievances. We are also concerned that complaints are not being raised when they implicate individuals above the complainant within the chain of command.

“The government should change the role of the commissioner to one of an Armed Forces Ombudsman. Our servicemen and servicewomen deserve a complaints system that is as good as it can be. Not to provide this would be a failure of the nation’s duty to them.”

Lieutenant Colonel Douglas Young, chairman of the British Armed Forces Federation, said: “We have said for more than four years that an Armed Forces Ombudsman should be appointed in order to provide a complaints system that service personnel can trust and we are pleased that the House of Commons defence committee now agrees with us.

“It is clear to us that the current system fails to adequately protect the interests of those who make complaints as well as those who are complained about, and we will continue to campaign to change it.”

Munchausen by Internet: Current Research and Future Directions

21 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Uncategorized

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The first academic review article on Munchausen by Internet.

From the abstract of the article:

Munchausen by Internet occurs when medically well individuals fake recognized illnesses in virtual environments, such as online support groups. This paper focuses on the aspect of Munchausen by Internet in which individuals actively seek to disrupt groups for their own satisfaction, which has not yet been associated with the wider phenomena of Internet trolls (users who post with the intention of annoying someone or disrupting an online environment)…

The limited research relating to motivation, opportunity, detection, effects, and consequences of Munchausen by Internet is highlighted and it is formally linked to aspects of trolling. Case studies are used to illustrate the phenomenon. What is particularly worrying is the ease with which the deception can be carried out online, the difficulty in detection, and the damaging impact and potential danger to isolated victims.

MPs get mental health clinic after rise in cases of depression and anxiety

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Uncategorized

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anxiety, Depression, discrimination, doctors, mental health issues, MPs, politicians, stigma, treatment

MPs get mental health clinic after rise in cases of depression and anxiety

MPs will be able to access a mental health clinic within Parliament which is being set up to deal with the rising number of politicians approaching doctors about depression and anxiety.

Officials have approved £25,000-a-year funding for the specialist treatment centre which will run alongside conventional GP services.

MPs say the stigma still attached to mental illness means it is hard for them to approach their family doctors about such problems.

Doctors in the House of Commons have seen an increase in number of MPs coming to them with mental health difficulties, a sign they are more willing to admit to problems which were previously repressed.

On Monday Parliament gave final approval to the Mental Health (Discrimination) Bill, which scraps a law that says MPs automatically lose their seats if they have been sectioned for more than six months, as well as a rule allowing company directors to be removed because of mental illness.

However, MPs say discrimination against mental illness means it is much harder for them to talk to local GPs about such problems than it would be for physical ailments.

The body which oversees MPs’ working conditions has therefore agreed to fund treatment such as cognitive behavioural therapy from specialists at St Thomas’s hospital.

A consultant psychiatrist is available at Westminster to diagnose mental health problems and referral for in-patient treatment will also be available, the Commons Members’ Estimate Committee decided.

If Cross-Examining Adults in Sex Abuse Trials Can Contribute to Suicide – What’s the Effect on Children?

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Young People

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If Cross-Examining Adults in Sex Abuse Trials Can Contribute to Suicide – What’s the Effect on Children?

Frances Andrade, 48, killed herself just days after she was cross-examined giving evidence against choirmaster Michael Brewer and his wife Kay in their trial. The questioning by experienced barrister Kate Blackwell, reportedly involved standard court room tactics of accusing the witness of being a liar and a fantasist.

The 68-year-old was eventually convicted of sexually assaulting Andrade when she was a teenage music pupil, and it’s now reported that others have come forward with further allegations – but all this has come too late for Andrade – who died from an overdose before the trial outcome was announced.

So far the media coverage has focused on whether she should have been offered psychotherapeutic help for the strain of enduring the trial process. One contention is that psychological assistance could ‘contaminate’ recollection.

But this consideration appears bizarre in the light of the latest psychological research evidence that hostile court room cross-examination in itself negatively influences witnesses, in these kinds of cases, reducing access to the truth.

If this 48 year old renowned and successful violinist supposedly found cross-examination too much – how are younger children supposed to cope?

Scandals like that of Jimmy Savile – where an alleged abuser got away for decades with multiple assaults partly happen because children and their guardians are reluctant to confront brutal and harrowing court room cross-examination. As a result decades go by before victims and witnesses, such as Andrade at the age of 48, come forward to report abuse which took place when she was a teenager.

If perpetrators are to be prevented from getting away with such crimes for such extended periods, we need a legal system that offers children a fair chance in court.

But psychologists report the accuracy of children’s eyewitness reports hinges crucially on the way in which they are interviewed. They contend defence barristers are using techniques specifically and cleverly designed to get children to change their evidence away from accurate recall.

For example, psychologists Dr Rachel Zajac, Emma Jury and Sarah O’Neill from the University of Otago, New Zealand have recently conducted a unique experiment where 137 five and six-year-old children were cross-examined in a staged event designed to replicate court-room direct and cross-examination. Despite highly accurate responses under direct examination, children made a large number of changes to their testimony during cross-examination, resulting in a significant decrease in accuracy.

Dr Zajac leads a rolling program of research on the impact of cross-examination on children and their recall of events about which they may testify to in a court. This study is just one example of several she has conducted. She is obtaining astonishing results – for example in response to the types of questions that cross-examining lawyers typically ask, one astounding discovery is 90% of the children change their original testimony. These findings are being replicated in other studies.

Under our current adversarial system of law, child witnesses undergo cross-examination, during which the opposing lawyer attempts to discredit the testimony. This typically involves techniques such as complex, suggestive and confrontational questions.

In Dr Zajac’s study, questions challenged children’s certainty, just as barristers do in cross-examination – for example about a real staged event for the experiment. One question was; ‘are you sure that you got your photo taken?’ Leading questions were also used, aimed at getting the child to retract the original story. For example, the experimenter expressed disbelief and suggested reasons. For example, ‘I don’t think you really got your photo taken, I think someone told you to say that. That’s what really happened, isn’t it?’ Again these are precisely the same manipulations defence barristers use.

Social pressure tactics on children used in court were also deployed in the experiment – for example the interviewer explicitly tells children that she does not believe their version of events (e.g. ‘I don’t think that’s what really happened’) then proceeds to provide the children with a version of events conveyed as being acceptable (e.g. ‘I think that your friends got their photo taken, but you didn’t’).

The study, replicating these cross-examination style questions, and entitled, ‘The Role of Psychosocial Factors in Young Children’s Responses to Cross-examination Style Questioning’ found almost all of the children (90%) changed at least one of their four original responses during cross-examination. Over one third of children (34%) changed all of their original responses, children’s accuracy during the cross-examination interview was not significantly different from 50%.

Most vital, given the court is meant to be a mechanism of getting at the truth, the alterations that children conceded during cross-examination were frequently away from the truth, leading to a dramatic reduction in overall accuracy.

The authors of the study, published in the journal Applied Cognitive Psychology, point out that although cross-examination is often promoted as a means for arriving at the truth, a mere 6% of children, in the present study, improved their accuracy score during cross-examination.

An intriguing and unexpected result was that children with more brothers and sisters were especially likely to buckle under the pressure of cross examination and change their evidence. One theory is that children with more siblings are known to become better able to negotiate with others. As cross-examination is essentially a situation in which ‘negotiation’ is undesirable, it’s possible these children are responding to demands from the barrister with appeasing ‘negotiation’, but then the truth suffers.

Taken together with findings from previous research, the authors contend their results suggest that cross-examination in the court room is an inappropriate inquiry tool with child witnesses

Poor cross-examination performance in the experiment was associated in the study with low levels of self-confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness. This suggests those most likely to fare worse during cross-examination are the very children who are most likely to appear as witnesses in the courtroom. We know that sex abusers target precisely this kind of child in the first place, partly because they know these children are less likely to speak out about the abuse. Now this research reveals even if these children make it to court, they are the most susceptible to changing their evidence away from the truth under cross-examination.

Even if they ever get into a trial, abuser’s barristers appear to be exploiting the psychological vulnerability of these victims, getting them to alter their testimony away from the truth – a susceptibility which could also be a very consequence of the trauma of being abused.

If the risk factors for being abused are the self-same characteristics associated with poor courtroom performance, then the legal process should surely take this into account.

Instead, this research suggests current law and legal process is so designed that sex abusers are gaining a kind of double protection, from ever being found guilty.

I really didn’t like my son

11 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Relationships

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Children, family, parenting, parents

I really didn’t like my son

“Get inside the house!” I say, in a low growl, which I hope the neighbours can’t hear.

“No,” replies George.

“Listen, you brat” – tempers are frayed – “I know I promised a trip to the ice-cream place, but Auntie died two days ago and we are too upset, too busy. We’ll go another time.”

In the emotional-manipulation game, I’ve played my trump card. Now George plays his: “I don’t give a fuck that Auntie died.”

I stare at my eldest child, who meets my apoplectic gaze with blank defiance, and the thought hits me like a saucepan to the head: I don’t like you.

How did we get to this?

George is 10 and reminds me of Two-Face in Batman. He has a capacity for gentleness, is kind, generous and sensitive at heart. Yet his innate goodness – that soft, precious side – is these days mostly hidden beneath an arrogant, flinty exterior. His teacher likes his intelligence and wit, but confesses that her assistant finds him cocky and rude.

I agree. I feel a gouging ache of despair, even though I know that if I question him, he’ll be indignant and exclaim that the assistant always, unfairly, blames him when it’s the girls’ fault. And, immediately, I hate the assistant, for not understanding him, for her ignorant sexism (when he was a reluctant reader, she cemented the problem by forcing him through Eva, The Enchanted Ball Fairy). But mostly, I hate her because her attitude towards my darling son is uncomfortably reminiscent of my own.

So often, George seethes with latent rage and the tiniest imperfection will cause an eruption – last night, a too squashy satsuma. He is ferociously competitive and often casually cruel to his young brother – elbowing him on the stairs, so that the poor child flinches every time he passes his tormentor. He reaches extremes of emotion in seconds, screaming, crying, hurling books or balls across the room. It’s frightening because he is easily as strong as I am.

Recently, he called his father a bastard for forbidding him to watch South Park. If I’d spoken to my parents like that, I told George, I’d have been hit across the room. “And would that have been right?” enquired my son coolly.

I’m not Zen enough to always remain impassive when provoked. I don’t want to be a parent who hits, but I have grabbed George roughly, scratching his arm, to prevent him attacking his brother. I apologised with the weasel caveat, “Listen to me, then I won’t have to physically restrain you.”

My son isn’t stupid. He senses my fleeting dislike and it is poisoning our relationship. I lurch between futile forgiveness and condemnation. If we ban him from his favourite sport as punishment, we fuel his anger. The penal system is not a deterrent. But if we talk ourselves hoarse, he barely listens. Or he might cry, feel contrite, submit to a cuddle, then revert to venom and violence the instant he’s tested.

After 10 years of instinctive, cack-handed, self-analytical mothering, it strikes me I have no idea what to do.

It doesn’t help that on some pathetic level, I goad myself that this was inevitable; dysfunction rumbling miserably down through generations. I was a child who meekly obeyed autocratic parents: I never, ever answered back. My own mother shouted and hit. She was perpetually sour and incandescent with fury at the smallest infringement. Do I secretly resent my son, for his ingratitude, for the happy but exasperating fact that he isn’t afraid of his mother?

Of course my son cares about Auntie but I willfully choose to take him at his silly word and have a fight about it. Meanwhile, George derives grim satisfaction from watching me lose it. He is spoilt – not materially – but he often gets his way. I don’t know what I should deal with: the insolence or its cause – why is he like this?

Mostly, I fear I know. Stress and grief mean his father and I are a-boil with tension. All my unprocessed anger towards other people has accumulated into one bristling ball. Only at home do I give vent. My 10-year-old has seen me stamp and shout. He has absorbed this anger and thrown it back at me.

Yet I’m not like my mother: I cuddle, comfort, praise my children, and can’t hugely care when the light fitting is hit by a tennis ball. But her shadow remains and my reflex reactions are sometimes hers. I speak in her voice: “Get a move on! Pick up your feet!” That harshness is within me.

As I argue with my son in the street, I wonder if I possess the mental strength to be a parent. Perhaps because of my upbringing, my confidence evaporated when the hospital staff let me take this baby home. I was glad to have a part-time nanny, relieved to hand over my son to a professional. I was scared of him; his need for me was so great, I was terrified of failing him. I managed the practical stuff: steamed his organic carrots, overdressed him, read him Elmer. But I connected warily.

Eventually, you must stop excusing your failures, and take responsibility for your attitude and actions. My approval is certainly conditional but when does that spill over into withholding love? We spend a lot of time with our son – some quality, some purgatory. I often wish I worked in an office: despite the home-cooked meals, taxiing to various sports, the reading together, familiarity breeds contempt.

I am critical, correcting him on his table manners 10 times in one sitting. I discipline him supposedly for his good, but also for mine. He is a frequent, casual loser of coats, which maddens me. I am not always accepting of the child I’ve got.

As I start to write this, venting my frustration, each word feels like a betrayal of a small boy who should trust me. My sister-in-law says: “He tries so hard to please you – he always looks to you for approval.”

What she says resonates. I’m so desperate to change the situation that over the following months, I force myself to be warm, tolerant, minimise blame, smile – even when I want to yell my head off, like when he methodically picks the stuffing out of the dining-room chair.

I also consult Gaynor Sbuttoni, an educational psychologist who specialises in emotional issues. She says that as a parent, I must see that I come second. I must allow him to be angry, look for a solution, but limit the behaviour. Tell him: “You can’t hurt anyone, you can’t hurt yourself and you can’t break things. But you can stomp and shout and get your anger out and when it’s over we’ll carry on and we’ll do the right thing.”

Sbuttoni adds, “With most children, anger is covering up their anxiety. If he was feeling you didn’t like him – how scary is that? If your mum can’t love you unconditionally, nobody can.”

At last I recognise what is happening. I also see that I am not a victim of his behaviour; I have the power to stop it.

I comment on his every good deed: “That was kind of you, to read to your brother.” I try to promote intimacy. I have a foolish reticence, as if by pushing myself close, I’m interfering. At heart, I’m scared of his rejection. But when I join him in the garden to play, he is so pleased and surprised I feel ashamed for holding back. He blushes with delight when I attempt to fast-bowl.

I give him credit. I recognise that we expect a lot of him and work on recognising his vulnerabilities.

Sbuttoni explains: “A boy, developing emotionally, is fraught with pain. On the outside they are supposed to be big and strong and tough – inside they’ve got real feelings and are trying to cover them up, understand them – and many people do not acknowledge that with boys. It’s still hard for a boy to talk about feelings and when he has an adult who allows him to, there is friction inside: ‘I can do all this talking but when I get with the gang, I have to be angry, abusive and aggressive so that the male community will accept me as a male.’

“All kids are struggling with so much at any one time and Mum is the one they test it all out on,” she says.

My power to do good or evil is thrown into sharp relief by her words – and with it, my huge responsibility. I also see, with far greater clarity and compassion, his position. When George does explode with frustration, instead of snapping, I charm away his bad temper. I find this supremely difficult. When he swears, I say, “Please don’t speak like that.” I don’t stoop to a squabble. I even – as Sbuttoni advises “stand there, as if you are a gorilla over him” – to indicate on important issues that while he is as powerful as me, I am in charge. But mostly I try to put my ego aside and see it his way. When I help him with an essay, he asks, “Were you the cleverest person at English in your year at university?”

“God, no!” I say. “There were a lot of naturally brilliant people there. I just tried hard.”

He says, “I think it’s far better to try hard and do well, than to be clever and not try.”

“You’re right, George,” I say. “Thank you,” and he beams.

I feel a great rush of love. Because he’s so eloquent, it’s easy to mistake his for an adult mind, to roar, “Oh, grow up!” when he plays the fool or needles me. I am a difficult parent: disorganised, grumpy, sarcastic and unfair. Yet he loves me, as I do him, with painful, primal ferocity. I see I just had to learn to try harder.

Names have been changed

An expert opinion

Is it common not to like your child? It’s difficult to know as it’s such a taboo subject that people won’t readily admit to it. We are supposed to love our children from the minute they are born, like magic, and if that doesn’t happen you can feel you are stumbling from the start.

While it’s perfectly normal to find your child annoying occasionally, or dislike aspects of him or her, not liking them long term can usually be traced back to a reason, or sometimes several. There might have been a rupture in the bonding process. Sometimes children remind the parent of parts of themselves that they don’t like. Or they find it hard to cope with a child’s extreme vulnerability.

How you were parented can also have an impact: if you had a really difficult relationship with your mother (or father if you are a man), it can be really difficult to know how to be a good version of a mother/father yourself.

What is damaging for children is if they can’t get back to a place where they know the parent really does love them – in other words, if there’s never a time at which the child has a secure base. There has to be trust on the part of the child that underneath it all, he or she is loved.

Family therapy can really help if things are cyclical because unless someone steps in to change the patterns – how parent relates to child and vice versa – it just perpetuates. The sooner you get help, the better: younger children are more able to adapt to changes in their parents.Ryan Lowe

• Ryan Lowe is a consultant child, adolescent and family therapist,childpsychotherapy.org.uk

Can you tell if a friend has an eating disorder?

11 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Eating Disorders

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"ednos", anorexia, binge eating, bulimia, Eating Disorders, low self-esteem, mental health issues, support

Can you tell if a friend has an eating disorder?

I found out during sixth form that three of my friends had had an eating disorder in their GCSE years. Each time, my immediate reaction – for which I now chide myself – was one of surprise: they’d always looked so healthy.

As someone who has since come through an eating disorder myself, and as a volunteer for Beat – the UK’s leading eating disorder charity – I’ve spent years encouraging people to look beyond the visual to recognise the disease.

Only 10% of eating disorders sufferers are anorexic – and easily identified by severe weight loss. Around 40% suffer from bulimia (binge eating and purging) and the remaining 50% from “ednos” (eating disorder not otherwise specified, a category into which binge eating falls).

Though some people struggling with bulimia or ednos are underweight, the majority have a normal BMI, while some are overweight. When I heard my friends’ admissions, I instantly fell into the trap of equating “eating disorder” with “emaciation”, forming a host of regrettable assumptions about their experiences.

It’s often assumed that anorexia is fuelled by vanity and a desire to emulate skinny celebrities. In reality, eating disorders, including anorexia, are serious mental health problems, triggered by a complex interplay of low self-worth, difficulties in coping with problems and – possibly – genetics.

To recognise and understand these conditions, we need to look for behavioural signs as well as weight changes. For example, a friend with an eating disorder may become more withdrawn, preferring to spend time alone rather than engage in social situations they used to enjoy.

They may become extremely anxious at meal times and try to get out of events that revolve around food – you may notice they have taken to eating alone.

An obsession with calories and fat content can be an indicator, as can strict avoidance of certain food groups.

Some people with eating disorders – particularly anorexia – choose to engage in lengthy discussions about food, sometimes as a way of indulging through conversation, and sometimes to find out more about others’ eating habits against which they can measure their own.

Look out for physical and emotional symptoms: side-effects can include fatigue, difficulty concentrating, insomnia, frequent illness and mood swings.

If you suspect a friend has an eating disorder and you want to help, you’ll need to raise the subject gently. Reading through these dos and don’ts before broaching the topic will help, but don’t beat yourself up if the conversation doesn’t go as well as you’d hoped: your friend will appreciate your concern.

Offering to go with your friend to a GP appointment can be a helpful first step, as GPs refer people on to services that can help them.

Peer-to-peer support can be a really valuable way of complementing professional services. Student Run Self Help (SRSH) is a network of groups run by trained students in many universities across the UK. It aims to provide a safe, confidential space for students with eating disorders to share their experiences; attendance does not require a diagnosis. Going to groups for the first time can be daunting, so offering to accompany your friend might give them the confidence to turn up.

“When students face mental health problems, they are most likely to turn to their friends for support,” says SRSH founding director Nicola Byrom. “The problems faced by young people with eating disorders are often wrapped around issues of low self-esteem, so knowing that you have friends there to support you can make the world of difference.”

Recovery can be a slow process – you’ll need patience as well as understanding to help rescue your friend from the turmoil they are going through

a helpful first step, as GPs refer people on to services that can help them.

Peer-to-peer support can be a really valuable way of complementing professional services. Student Run Self Help (SRSH) is a network of groups run by trained students in many universities across the UK. It aims to provide a safe, confidential space for students with eating disorders to share their experiences; attendance does not require a diagnosis. Going to groups for the first time can be daunting, so offering to accompany your friend might give them the confidence to turn up.

“When students face mental health problems, they are most likely to turn to their friends for support,” says SRSH founding director Nicola Byrom. “The problems faced by young people with eating disorders are often wrapped around issues of low self-esteem, so knowing that you have friends there to support you can make the world of difference.”

Recovery can be a slow process – you’ll need patience as well as understanding to help rescue your friend from the turmoil they are going through.

Job applicants with schizophrenia facing ‘discrimination’

11 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Uncategorized

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carers, discrimination, employment, recovery, remission, schizophrenia, stigma, workplace

Job applicants with schizophrenia facing ‘discrimination’

Tens of thousands of people with schizophrenia are being denied the chance to work because of “severe discrimination”, a report has found.

Only eight per cent of people with schizophrenia are in paid employment, compared with 71 per cent of the general population, although many more would like a job, a report by the Work Foundation says.

Seven out of 10 people with schizophrenia feel that they experience discrimination because of their condition. The report blames a lack of understanding, stigma, fear and discrimination towards people with schizophrenia and calls for urgent government action to prioritise work as part of the recovery for those with mental illnesses.

People with schizophrenia in paid employment are over five times more likely to achieve remission from their condition than those who are unemployed or in unpaid employment, according to the report, Working with Schizophrenia.

Charles Walker, chairman of the all-party mental health group in the Commons, said: “For many people with the condition, having a job can mean a great deal, both economically and socially.

“We must ensure funding continues so that more people living with schizophrenia can access the workplace and carers can also return to work.”

Cancer patients left isolated

11 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Cancer

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Cancer, Depression, family, friends, isolation, recovery, support, treatment

Cancer patients left isolated

Almost a quarter of cancer patients lack support from family and friends during their treatment and recovery, a charity has found.

Patients told a survey that family and friends were “too busy” or lived too far away, a spokeswoman for Macmillan Cancer Support said.

The charity, which surveyed 1,700 patients, said isolation could have a “shattering impact” on people living with cancer. The poll found that 23 per cent felt isolated, a third experienced depression and many skipped meals and treatment because of a lack of support.

More: The Loneliness of Cancer Patients Is a Sad Indictment of Society

Waging war on web ‘thinspiration’

08 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Eating Disorders

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'thinspiration', anorexia, bulimia, Eating Disorders, recovery

Waging war on web ‘thinspiration’

Do a quick search on Instagram and you will find reams of “thinspiration” material, usually in the form of pictures that glamorises the extreme skinniness of various models and celebrities.

Hashtags such as #thynspo, #ana (for anorexia), #mia (for bulimia) and #blithe (code for self-harm) abound. From there you can find thousands of pictures of bloody wrists and thighs, messages of despair and cries for help, and photos of underweight women that mostly focus on apparent ribs, concave stomachs, thigh gaps, and prominent hip and collar bones.

Perhaps most distressing are the pro-anorexic quotes interspersed between pictures, such as “Do it for the thigh gap”, “Skip dinner, weigh up thinner,” “1 like = 10 squats,” “Do not reward yourself with food, you’re not a dog” and the most frequently posted shibboleth, Kate Moss’s infamous quote: “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Community support for these self-destructive illnesses is not unlike the first wave of pro-ana virtual communities of the late 1990s, though the nature of an image-based social networking service means that random friendships occur more easily thanks to hashtags, and an emphasis on imagery that dangerously ratifies the erroneous assumption that only skinny women are beautiful. There, thinstagrammers photo-blog their daily frustrations and struggles, and comment on each other’s pictures to encourage fasting. Recovery accounts sometimes pop up too, usually gently advising people to get help.

When I first scrolled through those pictures, my kneejerk reaction was disgust. The idea that Instagram users are tagging photos that promote the obsession with thinness as a lifestyle, rather than a mental illness, infuriated me. I’ve never had an eating disorder, but I know that while illnesses such as anorexia nervosa are widely accepted as containing a genetic component, many studies have also indicated the impact of sociocultural factors (peer pressure, troubled relationships, sexual abuse and the ideal beauty type prevailing in western culture) that trigger people into becoming eating-disordered.

Instagram’s policing measures have been thus far unsuccessful. The company added a pop-up disclaimer for #ana and #mia with a link to theAmerican National Eating Disorders website and in April 2012 the company publicly banned #thin, #thinspiration and #thinspo, which prompted Thinstagrammers to spell new hashtags differently – for example #thynspo or #thinspoooo. As such, Instagram’s policies might come off as more a perfunctory PR gesture (and a cover-your-ass move) than a committed strategy to police graphic content, though admittedly the problem feels like an unstoppable plague.

I wanted to try something different. Upon finding a number of pro-recovery Instagram accounts tagged with words such as #edrecovery, I decided to make one myself (@lovethighself) in order to use pro-ana hashtags in an attempt to subvert and effectively spam pro-ana communities. I posted hundreds of quotes that promoted recovery and body acceptance, as well as attractive pictures of average and plus-sized models. I also photoshopped some of the common pro-ana images to refute their harmful messaging.

These attempts were not intended to be dismissive of a mental illness I do not have, nor to raise the ire of people with anorexia or bulimia, but rather to enable users looking up these hashtags to reconsider their scrolling habits. I figured that not everyone looking at thinspiration has an eating disorder. Some who do may be on the verge of relapse from recovery, while others who don’t (yet) might be slowly becoming obsessed with their weight and curious about thinspiration and dieting tips, putting themselves at risk.

“Thinspo” has overwhelmingly been proven to cause negative effects even in the non-eating-disordered. One study published by the European Eating Disorders Review found that college women without a history of eating disorders who looked at pro-ana websites reduced their calorie intake in the following weeks, half of them unconscious they were doing so. By posting a reactionary wave of images promoting body acceptance while negating the beliefs of ana advocates, I hoped to make a difference.

I soon received tons of comments thanking me and urging me to keep posting. “Please always keep this account. I’m going through an eating disorder and I’m fighting so hard but it pulls me down a lot and I just am still trying to overcome it. My screen saver is one of your pictures and it helps me so much,” wrote one follower. Many users who self-identified as having ana or mia in their bios began to follow me, and I started following some of them, too, providing support when I could. But sadly, because of the sheer mass of thinspiration pictures posted on Instagram every day, it’s been impossible for me to truly dent the thinstagram subculture.

The degree to which western society’s ideal body type has diminished our sense of self-worth is unmeasurable, but unmistakably and dangerously high. Young girls are crying out for help, using Instagram as an emotional outlet and banding together around a service to commiserate. It’s understandable that such communities form, given the isolating effects of eating disorders. But while they can be somewhat helpful in allowing the eating-disordered to have a voice, #ana and #mia are also likely to further fuel their disorders.

As it is, thinspiration is an unstoppable movement. Until our society stops telling young girls they can only be accepted if they are thin, pro-ana users will likely always find a place to unify on the web.

Why divorce can be so difficult for teenage children

07 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by a1000shadesofhurt in Relationships, Young People

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Children, Divorce, family, parents, relationships, Teens, young people

Why divorce can be so difficult for teenage children

“Peter, just to say, I’m thinking of you and I love you very much. It would be great to talk to you, Dad.”

“Fuck off.”

The text messages between Chris Huhne and his then 18-year-old son, Peter, are painful for any father or son to read.

Over a period of 11 months to May 2011, they show a dad attempting to maintain a connection with his son as he goes through a messy and very public divorce. They also show a son who is absolutely furious with his father – for his “affairs”, for reducing their relationship “to lies and pleasantries”, for being “a pathetic loser and a joke”.

When I was 16 and my parents separated, I vowed that I would never forget what it was like to be a teenager in that painful situation, but reading Peter’s texts, 20 years on, I realised I had.

None of us can judge whether Peter’s anger is justifiable or not, but it is shocking. And it sheds light on an overlooked part of divorce: how deeply it can affect adult, or late-teenage, children.

I know so many people whose parents did something similar to mine: struggled on in a difficult marriage “for the sake of the children”, finally splitting up when the kids went to university or were considered old enough to handle it. This can be a selfless parental act, and is often what the children want: although my parents were visibly unhappy in my teenage years I was desperate for them to stay together.

The upside is that it can be better to maintain the familiar family structure, says Christine Northam, a relationships counsellor for Relate; the downside is that children may develop in “a sterile and not very loving” environment.

Unfortunately, parents who stay together for the children “don’t take into account the model they are presenting to their children”, thinks Northam, and these loveless examples can hamper children in their adult relationships. Parents staying together for the children may have another person in their lives and children learn to keep secrets, or protect mum or dad from the infidelity. Parents “are modelling something that perhaps is not very good for the kids”, says Northam.

My parents divorced in the pre-mobile phone era, although I don’t think I would have sent my dad messages like Peter’s. But I was angry with my father for several years, blamed him for the family breakdown, and sought to support my mum. As a teenager, I was deeply critical of my dad and what I regarded as his flaws. I think my feelings were complicated by my struggle to emerge as a man in my own right: somehow, my dad’s desires and relationships were embarrassing and eclipsed my own and, I felt, inhibited me from expressing desire or forming romances of my own.

“It’s loss, it’s grief, it’s bereavement,” says Northam of the anger felt by late teens whose parents divorce. “Kids of 18, 19 are quite judgmental; it’s all very black and white. They’ve lost what they had – they’ve lost mum and dad together. People just don’t understand that when they think: ‘I’ll have an affair and leave.’ Kids love stability and the family they grew up with, and that is the model we buy into as a society.”

It is easy for parents to assume their late-teenage children are more grownup than they are, says Angharad Rudkin, a clinical psychologist and chartered member of the British Psychological Society who works with adolescents struggling to come to terms with family breakdown. If they are 17 or 18, we may overestimate teenage maturity because they no longer have irrational strops. In fact, research shows that the brain continues to develop until the age of 25 or 26. “Assuming an older teenager will be able to understand why we’ve split up, and is sensible and fair, is still asking an awful lot,” says Rudkin. “Older teenagers can look back and feel like they were living a lie – that this family life they had grown up with and perhaps never questioned was something their parents were just waiting to break up when they went away to university.”

Splitting up when children are young adults may spare everyone awkward enforced access; the weekends with dad or the new life divided between two homes. But it creates a new difficulty: how can a parent who is shunned by a teenage child maintain contact? If they back off to give teenagers space to rage, that can be interpreted as uncaring. After my parents split, I remember feeling that the onus was on my dad to maintain contact with me; luckily for both of us, he did.

When you keep reassuring your teen that you love them, only to be faced by insults or silence, it must be hard not to lash out, or at least tell them it is tough for you too, and they are old enough to deal with it. It is absolutely essential, Rudkin and Northam agree, that divorcing parents of late teens remember to be the grownups. “You will have to swallow your pride and take the more grownup stance – they are still going to be furious little kids under it all,” she says. “It’s the adult’s responsibility to go out of their way to make contact with the teenager, and not expect a gracious response.”

Grownup children may become one parent’s confidante or “best friend” and children then feel responsible for their parent’s happiness (as they often take on an unnecessary responsibility for the disintegration of their parents’ marriage). “The parents need to stay in the role of parents,” says Northam. “Fathers need to remember that however grownup your child may look, you are still the father, and you need to be the parent who makes the effort to see your children – it’s not the kids’ responsibility. It sounds a bit banal, but one of the obvious things [for a departing father to do] is to say sorry.”

I have no idea whether Chris Huhne and Peter, who is 20 and at university, have repaired their relationship since those awful text exchanges. I hope they have. And if they haven’t, I hope that Chris is still trying, and Peter feels less fury.

Twenty years on from my parents’ divorce, the fact that I find it easier to empathise with Chris than with Peter’s teenage anger is one sign that my dad and I managed to repair our relationship. My own teenage rage seems a world away. I’m very grateful my dad never stopped trying with me, and I admire him for it now, even though I am not sure that a child ever forgets the pain their parents cause, no matter how grownup they are.

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